Week Three-The Cruise

Week three was just what we needed, and we needed a lot. I missed Jay, I missed Madi, I missed sleeping, and I missed having peace in my life. When there is a void this large, it is hard to make it up in the small spaces of time between your daily tasks.  Going on a cruise and ditching all of those tasks gave us the time and focus we needed to fill the void.

The first block of time Jay and I had together was the 7 hour drive to Cape Canaveral. We, excitedly, jumped in the car and left all our cares (like Trey and Derek) behind. Thankfully, Cassie took the kids to Grandma Becky’s house. Derek and Trey spent the week with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Grandparents. Knowing that they were in good hands freed Jay and I up to worry about each other. In the car, we spent the time talking and listening to the radio. “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry came on, so I cranked it up (y’all know I love to sing).

I first heard this song a few months after Madi was diagnosed. It was a very scary song to listen to in the beginning, but I have grown to love it. Oddly enough, that song hit number one on Billboard's Nielsen/BDS Adult Contemporary Chart the week that Madi died. At the CMA Awards, two days after Madi’s death, the song won Single of the Year and Song of the Year. Sadly, I am not the only with whom this song resonates.

Because I love to sing, I need to know the words. I couldn’t quite get what they were saying in the beginning, so I looked up the lyrics. The first verse says,

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

I love this verse. It brings me peace to think she is with our Lord. On Monday, day two of our cruise, Jay and I decided to have lunch on the patio at the back of the ship. All of a sudden it seemed everyone around us let out a giant gasp in unison. Looking for the cause of the commotion, we turned to see the most amazing rainbow I have ever seen. It formed a perfect semi-circle on the horizon line out over the water. Jay and I gave each other the same look that said, “Is this really happening?” I felt flushed with peace and then with gratitude for such a comforting experience. Then, of course, as Jay sat soaking in the experience, I made a mad scramble for my camera to capture the moment. The whole thing was priceless.

There is nothing like feeling a connection to someone who has passed. I had been longing for some kind of connection with Madi for two weeks. I was unsure what this connection would look or feel like. I believe that people have been visited by those who have passed. Would Madi visit me? Would that be like seeing a ghost? That seemed kind of spooky. I shied away from even wanting that; but I wanted something. I know people live on, but what is our relationship with them? Can we talk to them? I have always been taught to pray to my Father in Heaven. Does trying to talk to Madi go against this principle? Is that like a séance? Even more spooky. I was feeling very confused. I needed something, but I didn’t know what.

I guess Madi knew what I needed. Thanksgiving morning Jay woke before me and decided to go out on the balcony to read and let me continue sleeping. I had a dream that was more real and clear than any dream I’ve had before. When I woke, it wasn’t like coming out of subconscious, where the memory is fleeting. It was like coming from a state of consciousness where the memory is easily accessible. I laid in the bed a moment trying to figure out what was happening, but feeling very peaceful. Then I made a mad scramble (trying to preserve the moment again) for my journal to record everything that just happened. Here is what I wrote in my journal that morning:

            I just had the most amazing dream about Madi. She was lying in a bassinet-type thing next to our bed. She was dead. Her body was puffy and red. She started to wake up and the normal color returned to her face. Then the puffiness went away as well. She had her normal pre-cancer body. She crawled out of the bassinet and started walking. I was shocked to see her walk again. Jay was there with me, and we just watched her. She looked at me and said, “Mom, I need to go potty.” I looked at Jay confused. I said to her, “Are you trying to make me crazy?” I asked Jay if he thought I should take her potty. We both shrugged. I followed her to the bathroom and watched her go potty. Jay and I looked at each other in amazement. Then Jay went to wake Alex up. I introduced her to Alex and said, “This is what Madi really looks like.” Jay and I were both happy to have another witness of what was going on. Then she started to change a little. She started to look like a pre-teen. She walked across my bed where I sat and commented that she was hungry and that we had no grapes in the house. She told me how cute Derek is and how much she wanted to help take care of him. Then she appeared to be in her twenties, and we walked outside to a backyard party we were having with lots of friends and family. As we walked I made a mental note that she was almost a head taller than me. I pointed out to the group that this is what Madi looks like grown up. She was very beautiful and exhibited a lot of poise around everyone as we sat around the patio table. Then she asked me if there was anything else I needed. Tears filled my eyes because I knew that she was leaving. I told her this was great and thank you. She stood up, let a sigh of relief, and said, “Good, because you don’t know the strings I pulled to be here.” We all laughed and I thought, “That’s my stubborn, rebel Madi.” We hugged goodbye and I woke up.

After I finished writing in my journal, Jay came back in from the balcony. The timing of all this seemed amazing. I felt sad that Jay and I (and the rest of my friends and family) had not actually experienced this together but I know that it was how it had to be.

Jay and I did get to experience other things together while on our cruise, and being together was very important to us. A shocking 85% of couples who have a child with cancer get divorced and 90% of couples who have lost a child get divorced. This is what I have heard and what has been quoted to me (and what I have quoted to others). I decided to check resources before I continue quoting these statistics. It turns out that I can find no studies to back up any of these statistics. I found research done in 2006 by Directions Research, Inc. that surveyed 306 people who were married who had experienced the death of a child. Only 16% (the national average is 50%) reported getting a divorce and less than half of those felt the child’s death impacted the divorce. As for couples parenting a child with cancer, I found a study done in 1978 that showed divorce rates less than the average and a study done in 2009 by the American Society of Clinical Oncology which looked at 4590 couples parenting a child with cancer and found no increased risk for divorce. That seems about right to me. Despite the cancer putting tremendous stress, anxiety and trauma on our relationship, we have found that we have also grown closer together and gained strength from each other. But while we apparently are not headed for divorce, we missed each other terribly. The cruise was the perfect opportunity to remember why we loved each other.

The entire week we did whatever we wanted. We did not have any worries. If we felt like eating, we went to the restaurant. If we felt like sleeping, we took a nap. If we felt like talking about Madi, we talked. And if we did not feel like talking about Madi we went to a juggling show or snorkeling. It is amazing what can be accomplished when we don’t have daily tasks to tend to. Jay and I brought some books that people had sent when Madi died. We laid by the pool and read these books together. I would read a chapter, then Jay would read the chapter, and then we would discuss it. To read the books we read and discuss them would have taken at least a month in our normal lives. Jay and I tend to have really great conversations when we go out to eat together. We usually eat out alone three or four times a month. We ate out three meals a day for seven days. The conversations we had this week would have taken seven months to have in our normal lives. We took naps everyday, which is usually only a Sunday luxury. By the end of the week we were so well rested and reconnected. Plus we had time to think, to contemplate all the questions we now had about life. The week on the cruise really brought us a peace we had not felt in a while.



The Sunset at the Sports Bar



Many of you did not know we had gone on a cruise. I received lots of message on Thanksgiving letting me know that I was thought of on that day. I know many of you worried that it would be hard to have Thanksgiving without Madi. However, Thanksgiving was very special to me. It was that morning that I had my dream about Madi, so I really felt like she was with me that day. The rest of the day unfolded perfectly. In the morning we went to the gym to workout while taking in a view of the ocean with schools of flying fish retreating from the ship. Then we laid out and read and talked. After a nap we went to a sports bar and watched my Cowboys with a backdrop of the sun setting over the ocean. And then we went to a Thanksgiving dinner at the restaurant. It was a great day. Thank you for all the prayers for our family to be comforted during this time. They were answered.