Week Four

December 3^rd, 2011

After we got back from the cruise, we realized we had to get back to reality. We had to figure out how to live our new life, without Madi and hospitals and medicines. Our new life is so different. We only have two kids. We only have a few things to do each day and they are not life threatening. We only have boys.

I know lots of people with large families. Jay and I both come from large families. Most of them will tell you the same thing. Going from two to three children is the hardest. After that it really doesn’t matter how many you have. Well I can tell you that going from three children to two is the opposite. There is so little to do. At a time when I would like to be busy, my life seems so slow. I don’t have to worry about if Derek will wake up from his nap in time to pick Madi up from preschool. Trey (our kindergartener) is now in school all day and rides the bus home. After some craziness at school with the bus driver and a letter from our attorney, he can now get off the bus without me being there. So I don’t worry about him at all. Towards the end of her life, Madi was so needy. I am suddenly left with an eerily quiet house. I am sure Jay wonders why the house isn’t clean with dinner on the table when he comes home, but that was never a time issue as much as a motivation issue. But honestly the house is a little cleaner and dinner is on more often than before.

I used to pick up princess stuff, and tiaras, and plastic shoes, and nail polish. Now it’s balls, and swords, and Star Wars stuff. Now we are all boy. Don’t get me wrong. I love boys. I have always loved boys. When I was younger I wished I was a boy. I had two older brothers who I followed everywhere. I was such a tom boy. I would not let my mom put a dress on me. As I grew older, I had lots of friends that were boys. I loved how competitive they were with no drama. Trash talking didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  Even when I was getting married my guy friends asked if I was going to make them squeeze into a bridesmaid dress. I think they would have for me. They are awesome. I did not get married until I was 29, a tragedy to my religious community and my parents. In my twenties my parents worried that I would never get married. My mom once said to me, trying her best to help, “I think that the reason boys don’t like you (for the record, boys did like me and I had boyfriends, but if you are not married something must be wrong) is that they think they are gay when they are with you.” My mom says some funny things but this is my favorite. I know she just thought I could be a little more feminine. I dreamed of getting married and having all boys. In fact, I told many people that I wanted nine boys so I could have my own baseball team. When I didn’t get married at 21 like I thought I would, I decided to settle for a basketball team.

While these things are all true, it is a little slanted. I love my girlfriends and my sister. I have girlfriends that have been my best friends since elementary school and they are amazing. I don’t know what I would do without all my girls, girls’ night out, and girls’ weekends away. Y’all know I love you. And while I would’ve been happy with all boys, a few girls thrown in would be perfect. Actually, before I was pregnant with Madi I bought a blessing dress that I fell in love with. On the day of my sonogram when I was pregnant with Madi, I was hoping for a girl. I didn’t know I was getting a sonogram that day so Jay was not with me. The tech asked if I wanted to know the sex and when I said yes (only crazies wait until birth to find out ;)) she told me it was a girl. I cried tears of joy.

I decided that two people needed to know this news right away: Jay and Grandma Becky. Grandma Becky had two girls and then five straight boys. After about two boys, she was ready for a girl. In fact, each boy was called Molly until the day they were born. (Eventually she got a dog named Molly.) Then her first two grandchildren were boys. She thought it would never end. I went to the store and bought two huge balloons that said, “It’s a girl!” on them. I took one to Jay’s office and asked a secretary if she would deliver the balloon to his office while I waited around the corner. I had talked to Jay after my appointment but didn’t tell him I knew because I wanted to surprise him. The secretary delivered the balloon while I waited in the hall. Jay told her that she must be mistaken; that balloon could not be his. The secretary went white and did not know what to do. I busted in the office and said, “What do you mean it’s not yours?” We all had a good laugh about that one; well…maybe not the secretary. Then I delivered a second balloon to a very happy Grandma Becky.

After Madi was born, she made sure that I grew to love all things girl. She would not let me dress her in pants. She always wanted a skirt or dress. And it had to twirl. She would swish side to side and if it didn’t swing and rise up, it was not good enough. Satin and taffeta were better. She had to have her nails done, and she had to be FULLY accessorized before leaving the house: hair bow or tiara, ring, necklace, bracelet, watch, earrings, lip gloss. Half the time she looked like a dress up box attacked her, but what’s a loving mom to do? When I dressed Madi for her viewing, you better believe she had on a satin dress that twirled, a ring, a necklace, a tiara, earrings, a bracelet, lip gloss, and her nails were done.

After I got back from the cruise, we retrieved our boys (it’s “the boys” now instead of “the kids”) and went home. It was time to put all the girl stuff away. I have only boys. Everything girl reminds me of Madi. I sat on the couch reading and Jay wrestled with the boys on the floor. I watched them, so happy to have the boys and an awesome dad that plays with them, but yet so sad. I felt out numbered. I felt like somehow, some of the girl in me had died (there wasn’t a ton of it to begin with).



Notice the princess night light in the wall? I can't take it out.